The holidays. Ugh the holidays. Yay the holidays. Meh the holidays.
The holidays are not sitting with any of us the same way this year, am I right? They’re certainly not sitting the same way with me. I’m not even sure I feel like decorating my house this year - and I derive a lot of joy from decorating my house. The verdict is still out on my final decision. I’ll make sure to share photos if I do come around to the holiday cheer side of things.
My focus this year is on surviving the holidays. The crap storm that there is to navigate is just too much for me to simultaneously try to be cheery and joyful about it all. Yes, I will feel joy on occasion, yes I’ll even smile some, but I’m not going out of my way to make sure I revel in the season, or to force the joy. Sometimes in life it’s more work to pretend everything is okay. And I would say that this holiday season might be one of those - where it’s more work to be happy and joyous and celebratory. Why not just grab a pint of your favorite Ben N Jerry’s and watch the most deliciously trashy television of your choosing on Thanksgiving night?
I don’t have to go into all of the things making this holiday season the crappiest. You all know. But personally, the hardest part of all of this is not having Jeff around to celebrate with. If I am 100% honest - and there are so many layers to losing Jeff - the holidays with Jeff were not the easiest. He kind of hated the holidays in a lot of ways. He was also his own worst enemy with the expectations though, and a lot of the stress around the holidays that he experienced he really created for himself. So while I’m not missing that part, I am simply missing his companionship.
There was a lot of time allotment to navigate through the holidays. Jeff had two kids from his first marriage (and only marriage - Jeff and I never married. I always stumble over how to reference his marriage. His first marriage? His only marriage? His relationship before ours? Stupid language limitations.) So we were navigating time with Jeff’s family, time with my family, and figuring out when his ex-wife had the kids and when we would have the kids - and only then could we figure out when (and if) we would be able to see my family. It was exhausting and could zap a lot of the positivity out of things if we let it. We
But somehow, every year, we managed to squeeze in a holiday meal, just the two of us. Usually we’d cook something special, but not full on holiday smorgasbord. Depending on where we were living at the time, we might have a fire in the fireplace, there’d be Christmas music playing (always!), and we’d open up our presents to each other. It was simple and peaceful and often felt like a moment of calm amidst the holiday storm.
It’s that evening together, just the two of us, that I miss the most. All of the rest of it, the stressing out about finances, and buying too many presents, and jigsawing a schedule together amongst three families and navigating Jeff’s depression that always got worse this time of the year - those things I do not miss. (Even as I am missing family this year - thank you pandemic - both Jeff’s family and my own. I’m just not missing the stress dance of making all of the family stuff happen - I hope that makes sense.)
I know, I know, I know - this is not a simple post. But feelings around losing your partner are not generally simple. And Jeff and I struggled quite a bit, especially the last few years of our relationship. This holiday season I’m going to revel in the simple - in the beauty of the mundane, I suppose. The changing of the seasons are beautiful. The sunrises and sunsets. Holiday smells, all of those warm spices. Eggnog in my coffee. And I’m going to write a Christmas card to Jeff, just like I would do every year.
I wish, more than anything, that this year would teach us all to revel more in the beauty of the mundane. We waste a lot of energy reaching for more all of the time. And Jeff would really really appreciate this sentiment of slowing down.